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Friday, March 14th, 2008
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8:24 am - Sexualising God
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"Come with me
On a journey under the skin
And we will look together
For the pan within
When to be with you
Is not a sin"
So I've been dancing and shaking and vibrating and journeying and dreaming and discovering "joy hands" and "excitement feet". I've sanctified sex and it's taken me to whole other dimensions of reality. Tantra is not some spiritual icing on the cake of 'debaucherous' sex - rather you start with the expansive sense of 'love coming out' (rather than love grasping in) and the sexual part becomes this powerhouse of energy to fuel the love until it bursts out like a fountain and you feel your wings.
"Put your face in my window
Breathe a night full of treasures
The wind is delicious
Sweet and wild with the promise of pleasure
The stars are alive
And nights like these
Were born to be
Sanctified by you and me
Lovers, thieves, fools and pretenders
And all we gotta do is surrender"
So I've felt so real, hyper real, where everything comes into more intensity, like the focus and saturation of life is turned up. In my body and my heart love and sex, heart and body have forged a new alliance and I find myself grounded and with a sense of surity of my own spiritual-earthly way. I have felt the sheer force of the love that exists around us, and really love isn't even the right word, or at least my sense of what that word means has quite profoundly shifted. I've seen God and Goddess burn out through the eyes of other people with fire and passion and love.
I've felt the shadow of our whole culture, dreamt it, pulled it into words, read those words out and feeling my whole body shake with nausea and fear and nerves. I bite a chunk of it, digest it, learn a thousand new fragments of truth, feel compassion. I cry from my heart about the river dolphins being extinct. I can be vulnerable and feel it all, and this in itself gives me a strength.
I'm here, finally permitting myself to be alive, to make decisions based upon that, to dance and feel and laugh and cry. To give myself freedom to love, and to be finding those who allow me to love them fully is just the best thing ever.
Pan within
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| Monday, December 3rd, 2007
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2:57 pm - O-Ding on Rum and Valerian. Energy of a nuclear bomb.
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Mike came down for the weekend, we have developed a wonderful knack of him visiting right when I'm in final PMT stage. It was quite nice to have him here though as I had a night of wibbliness and peering at my own vulnerability and fears about it. Plus the first day of seeing him always throws me for a loop; I don't know what it is about the boy but he has the effect of warping my whole world into something else when he's around, this maybe is a good thing, if challenging.
We've been working on our relationship too and it seems to be getting better. A big thing is making the active decision not to talk about his job situation at all and instead try and enjoy what time we have. We actually had a good time together this weekend and I don't think really argued or stropped at each other at all, infact maybe we even had fun. bonus. I'm enjoying this process of actually getting to know HIM, and trying not to stress about it.
Anyway I'm coming into the final stretch of employment. This next week is gonna be challenging one, with a lot of rushing about europe for conferences, and 5 day intensive osteopathy right after. I was getting a bit concerned about not having enough rest and not havign the energy to get through it all in one piece.
Last night Mike and I went to the northbridge pub, chilled out listening to some good DJing by my friend Elly (couchsurfing woo!) and then chatting to one of the other girls working at the uni with me and her boyfriend/friend.
I was getting quite pissed on a mixture of ginger beer and spiced rum. Must have had abotu 4 shots and this was after sherry. Enjoyed myself and was being grossly witty about a fellow member of staff..though later on was kind of ashamed of myself, humour at the expense of someone else is not the best. I say some stupid things when I'm drunk, but why is it so fun at the time?
This was followed by massive dosing of Valerian-hops-passiflower tea at 1am when Mike and I got home. I think I OD-d on it, it was really hard to shift myself this morning I was still zoned out.
Anyway back at work and trying to gear myself up for this week. And the rest of my life, post-employment. Getting scared-excited about the idea of doing massage. Really want to get over my issues and give it a try. Times like this, Blaze-Erin is a brilliant inspiration with how she's set up her own business.
With good timing I had a phone call from a massage lady I've chatted too a couple of times. She said a few encouraging things about how she is doing massage all the time and it's getting very busy for her. Also re:having the energy to do things, that we have to remember there is LOADS of energy available, and that actually the human body contains about as much energy as 5 nuclear bombs.
I paused for a while and said, "well, in my case, since I'm quite short it's probably just 4 and half" and laughed. Got to keep the humour up. and I'm NOT weak and pathetic. I will have all the energy I need for the next week.rar.
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| Friday, November 16th, 2007
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11:35 am - inspired by invisible lesbian witches
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When I see people poking at the edges of their boundaries, yearning to unfold their own soul, seeking something they're not sure about, wanting to travel to foreign countries... I get really excited by it and like to be as enthusiastic as I can.
It's by no means an easy road (in fact it's not so much a road but a rollercoaster) to walk but by god, I can heartily recommend making the effort.
I have been experiencing moments in my life that seem so amazing they are like dreams (and my dreams are pretty awesome in themselves). Moments of magic. Moments that feel like I'm in a "studio ghibli film" or a role play game. These moments make all the questioning and doubt and struggle worthwhile.
Yesterday evening I was able to meet with Michael again...he suggested I went with him to stay at his friend's house in Thurverton (tiny village north of Exeter) where he is housesitting. Sure..I felt like getting out of Exeter for a bit.
In the dark, the car wound it's way down country lanes, crescent moon and clear sky with us all the way. I felt my soul starting to untwist and breathe in the cool night. Standing alone, with no street lights, the cottage-house felt in the middle of nowhere. I looked up at the stars - seeing twice or three times as many as normal and smiled, wondering what would happen next..
what followed was a wonderfully intriguing and healing night and morning staying it a witches house :) I am inspired.
( staying in a witches house )
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10:25 am - Three amazing things
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My sense of love is deepening for life and expanding. Three amazing things I've realised this week
1. If you try to help a butterfly out of it's coccoon, it will die. It has to struggle it's way out.
2. The notion that you can palpate through different levels in a person (eg skin..to muscle..to bone) isn't nonsensical or unsciencey -- it is simply perception through a medium. Just like how our vision is perception of relfected light through the medium of the atmosphere. So yes it does make sense and it is possible to palpate cerebrospinal fluid, parts of the brain (after learning about hooking into fascia for the first time, I spent a while lying with my fingers palpating my eyeballs and sensing the connection through into the brain, which was quite...odd... :)
3. that building connected love relationships with others (family, friends, lovers, more besides) can actually be very very healing for both people involved if you do it right.
I feel blessed that I'm starting to relate to myself, life, everything in a whole new way. Instead of scrabbling around trying to pull love into me, these days I am more happy when I feel it pouring out of my heart and I am rendered speechless by it all. This year I've discovered it's possible to vibrate with sheer joy.
I'm venturing out into new places with those I love. I've described it as leaving the safe harbour and heading out into unchartered waters of open ocean. You need to be skilled and watch out for waves and sharks and storms, but there is a wonderful sense of expansiveness and adventure.
hurrah
Ah me, Love's mariner am I
On Love's deep ocean sailing;
I know not where the haven lies,
I dare not hope to gain it.
One solitary distant star
Is all I have to guide me,
A brighter orb than those of old
That Palinurus lighted.
And vaguely drifting am I borne,
I know not where it leads me;
I fix my gaze on it alone,
Of all beside it heedless.
But over-cautious prudery,
And coyness cold and cruel,
When most I need it, these, like clouds,
Its longed-for light refuse me.
Bright star, goal of my yearning eyes
As thou above me beamest,
When thou shalt hide thee from my sight
I'll know that death is near me.
from Don Quixote
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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11:59 am - my daemon is an ocelot apparently :)
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I did this one very quickly but may try again. Not complaining tho, Ocelots are cool :)
if you click on the link, you can tell me if you agree or not with my view of myself :)
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
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1:25 pm - spirituality and work
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""The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes but in having new eyes.""
bringing spirit to work.
"Whatever our work experience, white collar or blue collar, working in an organization or in our own profession or small business, many of us are searching for ways to more fully integrate our spirit into our work life. As the person above said, "We simply left our spirit at home and did what needed to be done". But now more and more, "Separation of our heart from work is less and less acceptable."
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11:37 am - Bat. underneath the fears.
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"Bat is a powerful totem that carries a very heavy message. It is usually misunderstood, for it is more comfortable to ignore the teachings of bat — which is all about fear. Bat brings up our most hidden fears; those that lurk in the dark corners of our mind and spirit; those that make us break out in a cold sweat. He is telling you that it is time to bring these fears to the light. Nothing is greater torture than hiding such fears for our very refusal to acknowledge and deal with them only magnifies them, gives them even more power over us, and turns them into destructive monsters."
Bat is about again. Last night I went through all my medicine cards with the pendulum, searching for animal guidance, to see if any could come forward to help me find my way. I ended up starting from one end, working through, with each one saying "no". Moving on the next "no". And so on. As I got towards the end I started panicking - what if there is no one. what if this is just a stupid pile of cards. what if there is no help for me. what if I have gone the wrong way and I am abandoned.
towards the end, one card I found. I was so tired and drained at this point for some reason. I decided to honour whatever had come my way - turned over the card to reveal Bat. ah yes my old friend... I had to smile. I was being a bit batty this sort of time last year. Kind of interesting to look back at that. And bat has flitted about and caught my attention a few times lately.
ye gods ALL my fears are coming up - fear of inadequecy. fear of madness. fear of weakness. fear of oblivion. fear of nothingness. fear that I will be crushed. fear of people pointing and laughing. fear of letting people down. fear of messing people up. fear fear fear...
..but............... I've been here before. these fears - they jumble together in a cloud of fog, but they are not the bedrock of my soul any more. Even as they come into my head, I look at them from a deeper perspective in myself now and can see that they are just something I am creating.
I've used my fears as an excuse for too long. I don't need to get more engaged with them, attend to them, make them bigger and more well fed. I need to step behind the curtain and start identifying with the woman in me who is NOT afraid, who DOES believe in herself to have the courage to say - yes I AM this person, I DO claim my own soul-life, I have personal power and can affect the world and other people. I am and I will.
"You must face your greatest fears
and get rid of the part of your life that no longer is needed.
This transition is very frightening for many:
"better the devil you know..."
But you will not grow spiritually until the old parts are gone."
yes - and I think the part that is no longer needed are some of these old redunant fears themselves....... ut.....my fears and fear is not something to be fought and struggled with -- and I think this could be the key difference in how to approach it this year. my fears are not demons to be dragged out and kicked into the cold. they are more like crying children who have been born of some old hurt. I think maybe rather than approach them in anger, if I can look at them with love, bring that into the dark places and warm them, rather than try to package them up and jettison them? My fears are part of what makes me human and alive, can I love them as much as my joys?
a big theme this year has been - can I love real gritty humanity rather than perfect ideals?
hmm...!
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10:21 am - dreams : jewellery and disturbing a church
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brief snippets from my dream last night. quite incoherant. generally seemed to involve travelling and moving stuff around and being in different countries. Also back at parents house in a transient sense, engaging with my father and brother but no sign of my mum.
I was back at home collecting up all these pieces of jewellery to take with me to wherever I was going next. (not sure where this was). They were all mine, (as apposed to other jewellery dreams where I've been given a piece belonging to my grandmother or aunt), and they were all silver and purple. purple gems/jewels/glass whatever. I had them all stuffed in a pouch and they were really important for some reason. ...hmm the moving part reminded me of moving backwards and forwards from university to home when I was still a student.
my bro was up to something too, I found he was actually been quite a hard man/dodgy gangster/drug dealer outside the home, but he was explaining it was not by muscles and physical fighting he won but by verbal manipulation. I was trying to travel with him.
An amusing bit was when we were in a hall adjoining a church. Having some festival of folk music playing. They began and kicked up really loud, just when I realised a Mass/service had started in the church, and people in the congregation were giving us really evil looks through an open door for making such a racket. I was begining to be worried about us making the noise while they wanted a calm period of worship. About this point 3 people dressed up in festive fat woman costumes (kind of like huge belly dancers mixed with mardi gras, and oversized masks on) went over between the church and the music hall and started dancing around comicly/passionately. They were amazing to watch and really amusing at the same time. wobbling huge bums and boobs around the place. The prim church goers were even more horrified but they got the door slammed in their face and the festival kicked off. I was laughing a lot!
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purple jewellery
"The most effective way to add the power of violet or correct a balance in the 7th Chakra is thru adding natural violet crystals and gemstones to your everyday wardrobe so they are close to you for several hours at a time and touching your skin, (the pulse points: ears, wrists, ankles, and neckline) and thus effecting your aura and Crown Chakra." from - here .
hmm. Also realised that apart from a couple of earrings all the rest of it was necklaces. Also it was more costume style rather than the precious gem stome of the ruby earrings/ring I was looking at before. I was just grabbing handfulls of them, trying to get all the ones I had left behind at home to take with me.
I'm finding it a really hard balance to find a middle ground between feeling rubbish about what I do, or feeling overinflated and bold about it. There is a lot of esoteric spiritually stuff going on at the moment but I need to keep grounded about it and not let it all "go to my head".. I think this is perhaps what the dancing fat women were about..got to work hard but laugh still!
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| Monday, November 12th, 2007
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3:04 pm - Transitions
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I am in a very strange transitional place now. Unsure about the future, excited, scared. Really appreciative of the close friends I have who can be with me as I go through the craziness of perhaps the biggest transition so far.
All the old support structures are getting torn away gently, a bit like velcro :) Internal ways of thinking as well as external stuff like jobs. I'm being challenged on assumptions and ways of being that go right back to my childhood.
I feel small and weak in the face of it all, but also inside starting to hear whispers of my real voice and the hints of my true name. But I sense I have to be willing to lay all the rest of my life on the line, the cross, throw it all in the air, say to the universe "take it all if you need to, if this healing-path is where I am being led then I trust to be shown how..or else where else I am to go." for someone who likes to organise life when stuff gets a bit scary, this is quite terrifying. I am being told over and over again to not try and grab onto concrete plans just yet, but the time will come soon and I need to be ready. That I can trust that I will fall in my feet in the turmoil.
I also feel my courage, calmness, nurturing aspects that underly all this. Joyful hummingbird energy, otherworldly owl night venturer, boar-sow fighting courage and nurturing. Swirling around with wolves and crows.
I held Michael the other night even as I felt him turn into a life sucking insect in a world of death and skeletons.. I was scared but I held my space and I held the love. This is more courage than I thought I had. To realise you can love in the darkness and death is a great reassurance though.
I realised that one thing which drives me from the beginnings of my awareness is a thirst for life. For life and for living. I almost died before I was born and perhaps this is a repeating theme for me? No matter the depths I've gone, there is that spark of will to live, of a honour and awe for life, and a desire to help others find their own way to life and living. My biggest fears centre around falling back into a place where I can't breathe or live or eat what fuels me.
I've started to feel the multidimensionalness of this place, this existance. That realities overlap and time bends. I've felt my identity dissapear in dreams and trance and movement and connect to animals, birds, fish, reptiles and things I couldn't even identify. I've felt two realities overlap, or more; our eyes are just one sensor attuned to just one level. There is so much more.
I've realised that I *can* question what I've always been told. And that to live for me means to deny the 'truths' that were offered.
Where am I amongst all this? It's hard to see right now. I have 5 more weeks of working here. Maybe I will stay in Exeter, maybe I will move on. My challenge at the moment is am I really going to accept the path of my passions and loves and challenges and life? The answer is yes but the fear is still real!
but to the universe : I am ready.
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3:03 pm - comment on 'shamanic'.
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| Friday, November 9th, 2007
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12:01 pm - Way of the Bee
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Also, after telling Michael about another impromptu ritual I did a few weeks ago (I found a ring of oak trees with holly in the new forest...apparently I should go back and check because if there is any mistletoe you can do amazing magic with it), when at one point a honey bee appeared from nowhere and landed on my leg for a while, he told me I should check into the shamanic way of the bee. Bees had also come up in a recent card reading for me.
I'm going to pick the book up. Tori Amos comments on it
"After reading this book I felt I had been initiated into the ancient feminine mystery of sacred sexuality."
rock!
Blaze -- when I see you again (I'm hoping for next summer) I'm getting a whole load of new tattoos I want please :) :) :)
anyway hopefully if Mike is reading this he will realise why I also find the idea of being on "the shamanic way of the BEE" so appealing. BEES!!!!!!!! Sci may get it too.
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10:33 am - magic
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I was really happy to see Michael yesterday - I wasn't expecting him till next week so it was an amazing surprise. He commented that I was looking really well, had I lost weight or something, but I said I reckoned it's just that last few days I've been really overbrimming with love for people including myself which is awesome.
We had a meal out and a good chat, and then went home and did some more energy work I guess is the word. I'm becoming aware of the energetic aspect of people, and realising when you get two people coming together in awareness and with love and trust then totally fucking awesome amazing profound stuff happens. You don't need sex, though I can see how mixing that element in could be very profoundly crazy. What I'm learning at the moment is that intimacy, and I think this includes sexual intimacy can be a very healing process in itself. Mike (as in Zak) was down last week and we shared some real intimacy too as he let himself be really vulnerable with me and I felt so moved by it.
I feel that with Michael I get glimpses of the extent that you can take all this, and it inspires me hugely to continue my journey of learning and experiencing a soul-filled body and trying to explore similar places with others.
Yesterday we generated something amazing...I went on a whole journey, transforming through different animals, even feeling like we became the sea itself at one point. Also shifting palpatory awareness through different layers of the body -- I was vividly aware of his skeleton and bones, as well as mine own -- living bones feel so amazing, but also as though they are suspended in liquid and energy and would fall apart if you took that away. Then flesh. then skin. then out into this buzzy electricy energy feeling. then out more into...jesus I can't begin to describe it..archetypal realms..channeling something bigger than just yourself. I felt like a huge "princess mononoke" style wolf goddess, and frequently Michael felt like Pan. Actually I get strong echoes of Zak-Mike, as he too expresses a satyr-like energy. Michael also has a strong link with dolphins in the way I do with wolves - at one point I felt like I had tuned into this and had turned into a dolphin...! This is just incredible. It makes my dreams seem tame.
The other moment which struck me was this sense of going on a journey, I think connecting into maybe in Michael... I felt like I was dying, going right down into an underworld with skeletons and demons, and at this point things got pretty scary and dark but I stuck with it, kept with the love and trust and then at the very bottom of it all it turned back into a growing light and coming back up again. Up and up into increasing light, till this wonderful moment when we were holding each other and it felt like golden angels flying. He felt this too.. it was something deeply shared. I feel so gifted to have found him again..and like Blaze-Erin who is my sister, and like a few others I'm finding now, there is a deep sense of recognition and that you have know the person before. Past lives..I think so. I'm starting to see why you would want to keep coming back this life stuff is awesome.
this is all "body work!" the soul is in the body and you can FEEL it. Senses can be shifted and altered beyond what I'd ever have expected and there is more besides.
hee hee at one point he gave me a glass of water and no kidding it tasted like wine...never tasted something so good.
so that's it, yes I believe in magic. it's there. fuckin' a!! :D
current mood:  ecstatic
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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10:18 am - dream : horse riding, white lady, flooding
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horses are still quite a regular theme in my dreams, recently I actually turned into horse so I could kick vampire-people in the head. Last night though was quite beautiful, the dream was set in a different time or place, more 'dark ages' I suppose, all hut like villages and forest or perhaps something from a fantasy land. I had no fixed home but was travelling around with my horse, she was quiet and chesnut coloured. I'd ride her bareback with no reins just holding on, it was amazing, we had quite a bond. I was trying to save someone or avert some disaser; at one point I was racing down this country lane on the horse, and the "white lady" ghost who haunted it revealed herself to me - I felt more excited than scared, and she was appearing as some kind of encouragement or for a positive message of some kind.
also last night, I dreamt of a great river wave flooding the land. I was with my family, though they are not my 'real' family, again it was as if was playing a part in a film. Trying to get them to a patch of high ground before it hit, a small tumulus, and hold on to this mossy wall, telling them to pull the tiles and bricks out because they were loose and insecure and instead hold onto the moss and rock.
When the world was covered in water, a collection of people were living in a strange "waterworld" type setup - bits of posh estates and houses cobbled together somehow. I was talking to a guy there about how it was a strange relief that the world had been destroyed, and to find yourself as one of the survivors, as maybe now we could all start again making something beter.
I miss my horse though.
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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9:23 am - dream : more destructions, machines inherit the earth
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My dream last night was a mixture of Independence day and the matrix. More family decimation. In fact the whole of humanity was being methodically anhilated by our own creations. And then I woke up with a kitten on my head :)
( Dream )
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| Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
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2:54 pm - dream : tadpoles and granny's house
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just a quick memory jog and to keep track of things.
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( dream )
general themes at the moment seem to be strange houses connected to my family, particularly my granny's house -- but they look totally different to real life. Meeting figures I've never seen before who give one-liner advice. Quite a lot of animal symbolism. Strange variants on human life/species.
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11:42 am - Bees
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""Without bumblebees, I would be out of business. I don't think I could hand-pollinate all these plants," he said."
Like Honeybees, Bumblebees Vanishing
The guy at the farmers market who sells brilliant honey is finding that bee numbers and honey etc are falling this year..the weather hasn't helped. I've heard other people commenting here and there about bee numbers falling. I think a lot of people don't really care, but then it takes a bit of thinking to make the connection that we NEED bees and insects to pollinate our crops and from their get our food. It's hard to notice just how tied up our lives still are on the workings of nature and ecosystems.
I love bees. I love honey. I also love food and it's going to be interesting to see what happens if we can't pollinate any more. I suppose it won't come to that, but the people who own lots of bees are going to come in to demand. I find it perversely funny that despite all our intensive agriculture and fertiliser and harvesting technology, we still need bees. Or can scientists save the world with some GM crops that don't need pollination?
hmm...just realised a guy on the train the other day was reading a bee keeping manual. maybe it's worth investing....
current mood: concerned
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| Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
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10:40 am - dream : artistic cyclops and horse riding
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another odd dream, but there is a bit of a theme forming here of alternative human species. Also riding about on horseback with Helen.
( dream )
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| Monday, October 8th, 2007
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3:01 pm - Mike, Matt, Mark, and Mrob
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ok, so Mrob is actually rob with a silent "M" so it looks better.
this post is dedicated to all the brilliant blokes in my life at the moment, I could and probably will ramble on about the brilliant women sometime, but I've realised I spend a lot of time being a bit anti-male and actually men aren't actually crap and annoying all the time so here's to rectifying some of that :D
..ok so obviously there are more than these guys[1}, but these are the most recent, and I could be writing on this for ages if I went through systematically.....
edit: [1] Ok, so I've realised that 2/4 of these guys are gay and one is repeatedly under suspicion of being gay by his own family, so maybe this is a bit of a biased sample. ;-)
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Just a quick thanks email for some of the great guys in my life at the moment, infact for all my friends really, but particularly in the last couple of weeks, which have been particularly hellish due to illness and stress-cramps and pain.
( Matt )
( Rob )
( Mark )
( Mike )
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Both Helen and Josie have either phoned or got in touch which has made me feel all fuzzy as well, looking forward to seeing them again sometime. And Liz has been awesome lately too, despite all her work and stuff happening. so yay for women too.
NEWS FLASH!! I'M STARTING TO LET PEOPLE LOOK AFTER ME AND ITS BRILLIANT!!! Josie kicked this all off with looking after me for my first weekend in london, and was particularly patient with my rushing about and flaking out at 2 am in the morning when I woke her up because I needed company and hugs. She also organised a fantastic meal out with a load of my friends which made me feel really special and actually highlighted how rarely I actually give people the chance to organise something and invite me along to it because I'm always butting in with the plans. it's really relaxing to not do it all the time!
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Ok so now I have about an hour or so left to get some work done. I may have to stay in late now I've done this LJ post. but I'm going to be making a whole new lifestyle-ethic over the next week which will fit in work, friends, study, life, fitness,..SLEEP. (might as well aim high).
*hugs*
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2:59 pm - dreams - huge ocean waves, small primal man, halloween priestesses
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Just wanted to write a short post (ha ha I always start of thinking that) to note down a dream I had last night and let you know how it's all going. I had a horrible neck problem last week and it really really bad, it was stress and emotion and pain all mixed up. Luckily a fellow student did a bit of accupressure(?maybe?) massage on it on Saturday and that helped to shift something, and last night before going to sleep I think I finally let something go and relaxed again. Quite a good if difficult process to go through.(damn shadow work argh!! :D ) The result is I am now being much more careful about myself and trying to look after me, and also realising what I need to do is make sure I schedule in social time and evenings off with the work so my whole life can work together in a productive and happy and soulful and balanced way. That's the aim. Going to create a whole new way to live I think, release old bad habits and outlooks..all feels very autumy. So yay. With the degree, I'm starting to find my position, but currently learning the anatomy to the depth we are going is absolutely amazing and relevent no matter on the philosophy or technique or what have you. I've realised that in the same way people can get really into cars, or computer components, I can get into bodies..I think I am a bit of a body-human geek. I could really bore people with it. We've been learning about the vertebrae and sacrum....wow!! On Sunday I got to handle some real human verterbrae and it it is a total difference from the plastic versions. So very very organic and amazing looking, and the feel of them too!
( dreams )
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2007
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2:50 pm - Dreams of destruction
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The last week has gone in a bit of a blur of sleeping and feeling ill and eating nutrtious soups (oh and playing on the DS Rob gave me as well if I'm being honest).
I do feel caught up in that familiar slightly ungrounded shaking up feeling that happens when your life is shifting. Underneath it all though, deep within myself, I feel this connection to something very old and very powerful. I am scared but at the same time kind of..enthralled by it. I am starting to find my voice. I have started speaking out in meetings, asking questions without my voice shaking, stating my mind.
I am reading around old literature regarding osteopathy - texts written back in 1939 encouraging and warning. After looking into the history of medicine and this field, my sense of time and context has expanded outwards and I am suddenly aware of being at this point in time and what has gone before and what can happen. I feel like getting on this degree has hooked me not just into "my groove" but into something deeper and more connected up with the whole of human history. Yep, that sounds grandiose but that is exactly the right word for how this feels. It's going to be important to keep a sense of humour with all this...glad for the coyote tattoo not just the crow at this point.
( dreams )
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